When life gives you lemons...

...Make lemonade is what they have been saying for ages. I really like the new age versions though, including squeezing them in people's eyes, spicing up food and also the below one.

 This tequila story is mine, and some may also say that it is not a 'real' pain or 'real' struggle or even real 'lemons', but I could not care less. Perhaps because first time in my life, I faced lemons, and exactly a year later, I am pretty happy that I grabbed that tequila and salt. In fact, I am proud of that shot!

A little more than a year ago, I shifted my base again to Pune, in a new home in the old city. In a new role in an old city. As I already wrote it in one of my posts before, it was no cakewalk, however easy we might have thought of it. You take your time in adjusting to the new you, and you should. It is not an overnight process.  And it CAN  create stress irrespective of having the world's best in-laws.

Moreover, I took up work, which I really thought would suit me as I had a nice image of this concerned media company. Mistake no. one= what you feel as a reader is not what you experience as a worker. Publishing good content does not mean that you enjoy the working atmosphere there. I am even laughing right now, while writing this, it is too obvious. But I did not realize it then, and went ahead and started the work. Couple of other offers also came my way after I started this, but I rejected them, feeling'determined', and began working.

What followed was three months of insanely hectic schedule, unsatisfactory pay, a bit of brainwashing into believing that all this duniyaadari was supposed to lead to something great, and a bit of more dangerous brainwashing into feeling responsible for company's success and failures. I would be unhappy all the time, without any exercise, constantly travelling, irritation levels high, taking it out on my family members, and making my own life miserable. And all this for some random 'cause', which I thought was my own responsibility. I would not even think of leaving this work, saying if I did not do it, who would? 

The whole story came to an abrupt end one fine afternoon. I was supposed to travel to Goa that night (for work of course). What prompted me to start complaining about my work I do not remember, but soon I was talking endlessly and crying endlessly, saying I do not want to go. I think I cried for good two and half hours non-stop, and my extremely worried husband finally took me to my parents, where I cried some more, saying I feel I am broken down. wasted. gone. worthless. good for nothing. 

Looking back, I shudder at this memory, thinking what exactly had that job done? Was I being brainwashed into something completely against my own ideas and preferences or was it black magic? I know people do not usually do black magic, but it affected me like one. I stayed home for 6 whole days, not meeting friends, not going to work, doing nothing. Thankfully, my husband and my parents forced me to resign from that job, something I was felling psychologically incapable of doing. I however sent an urgent resignation email. 

It was July 1st, and I was staring at this professional void. No job, no pay, moreover, nauseating at the thought of work and feeling utterly incapable, worthless, in-confident and good for nothing. Just a big dark void. 

The next six months is a period I like remembering for various reasons now. Not an easy period, mind you, as I did not have a full-time day long work. It can be tough. Not money wise, but mind wise. You know how they say that empty mind is a devil's workshop? It is, indeed. You get little extra free time, with nothing to do, it completely eats you up and starts a negative spiral of thoughts. I remember some of such dull evenings, crying afternoons and lost mornings, spent in figuring out where exactly was my life heading. Feeling worthless because of no work. Now,only solution is occupying your mind, and just for that, I started three things. First, I went back to studying. Studying is something I always liked to do, and I was always really good at. After doing my diploma in German in 2004, I registered for an advanced diploma after 9 whole years, and rekindled my love for German language. 

Additionally, I started studying for NET, the exam needed to be cracked in case one wants to do a PhD or get into teaching. I do want to get into teaching some time in future, and NET is a necessity for that. SO why not take a fully serious attempt now that I had time and see what happens? So began the studies for NET.

Interestingly, I realized that exercise is one thing that literally pulls you up from the downward negative spiral of thoughts. I used to gym, but I needed change. Hence, out of nowhere, I took up a target, to run in Pune Marathon in December.  I had never run long distances before, even in school, and to add to that I have a bit of allergic bronco-constriction, which sometimes makes an Cardio activity impossible, in case of dust or cold. Nevertheless, I decided to give it a shot, and started training. As much as I could.

Next few months were amazing. The mood swings and the usual cribbing did not go away like a magic wand, but I started stabilizing. My occupied mind gave me little time to be dull. I ran and ran, without adequate strength training,leading to a nerve injury, but I survived. I altered training and bounced back. I enjoyed being in a student once more after a certain gap. Meanwhile, I also freelanced for some companies, and wrote some well-researched content. A lot of my heritage content is written during this period, and I thoroughly enjoyed the process.  It gave me sense of achievement, slowly and surely.

Monsoon treks, family get-togethers, seasonal weddings, ceremonies, parties, shopping, cooking experiments, I did them all. I am an extrovert person, hence being with people always perks me up, no matter how sad I am. The activities, watching my slow but definite progress in them, and a very firm support from the family is what kept me sane, and kept me going.  

In winter, eventually I ran a 5k race in pinkatahon, and a 10k in Pune marathon. I could experience this runners' high at completion of both. Had another high, thinking I could do a  75 minutes run, when I would pant for breath after 7 minutes, just a few months ago. I appeared for the NET exam, and I am happy to tell that I cleared it in first attempt, along with the coveted Junior Research Fellowship. I enjoyed my German course, and did well in that as well. I had a wonderful trip to Dubai at the end of the year with family. Eventually, I started working again, and am currently enjoying it along with exercise. 

It has been a year exactly, since the day of my big breakdown, and boy, what a year has it been! I would not call it the journey to self-discovery as such, but I did learn a lot about myself. I met the unexplored sides of my personality. I tried inculcating certain things in me, like patience. I learned to feel blessed for the positivity in life. I am still learning the importance of right attitude towards life. I am still not very calm, but at least I stopped taking the burden of unnecessary things in life. I loved putting my life together, hoping to create a new 'me' some day. Importantly, I have gained back the original confidence, some new attitude, and have started believing in life in general.  

I have seen an injured self, and its recovery. It is worth seeing, worth experiencing at least one. And I am glad I did it with a zest. Hence, not just a lemonade, but a tequila shot. The shot has been awesome, and I am much more confident AND grateful about life in general, bring it on! 

Will the real Pune please stand up?

 

Any city is like a person. It has multiple identities, multiple faces. You keep getting amazed by them in spite of staying there for years together. 'coz the identity is influenced by so many things. Right from the roads in that city to the language to the cost of living to the social circle we make. I stayed in Mumbai, and I have multiple identities of Mumbai. I stayed in Chennai and I have gathered quite a few impressions.

Of course, one must understand that these identities are largely individual impressions first, and probably turn into identities, if either large number of people think so or that particular situation or condition prevails for a long time. Still, a city has multiple identities as it represents different things for different people.These impressions are to be perceived, a city has to be read. Read like a book, to really start fathoming its soul. I tried reading these at both Mumbai and Chennai, with varied levels of success.

However, the equation changes when you are talking about your own native place. A city that you grew up in, and also grew up with. There, the identities are not only shaped by your own experiences, but also by what you have heard from your parents about the past, by the traces of heritage you still see, by the emotions you feel about that place and by what you hear about it from immigrants. Media, literature and folklore add to it even more. There are times when you are like: "this is so NOT true about my city! you immigrants and your biases!" and there are times when you totally buy the new identity and wonder where was this facet of your city till now.

Pune currently poses that problem for me. Well, Pune never had dearth of adjectives and identities. But I am sure, people did not think that only their version of Pune is the right face of the city. Pune was undoubtedly a Brahmin dominated orthodox city, but Pune was the one which started India's first school for girls. Old Pune is dotted by countless temples and old Pune does also serve awesome non-veg cuisine. These contradictions stay peacefully near each other, and have been doing so for years together.No single side claims that only their Pune is 'real' or rather the 'only' identity of Pune. Well, as we said before, there is no single identity to any city, even Pune.

I increasingly come across people who defy this and try to establish a city's identity through tinted glasses of their own prejudices, expectations and opinions. Moreover, claim that only this is the right picture. I happen to meet newer people as a part of my work, many of them new migrants in Pune, and sadly, with no desire to get to know the city.
I have been told emphatically that there are no palaces in Pune worth boasting. I have been told with conviction that Dagdusheth is the 'top-ranked Ganpati'! People have looked at me with blank stares when I tell them that my school is in Shaniwar Peth in the old city, and I have, no, I am not joking, been actually asked, where is that place called Shaniwar or some wada?

Now, I do get flabbergasted by such questions and opinions. I understand that looking at the way Pune is expanding, it is really difficult to colour it in a single shade or even know all the places. It is all right not to know something, but please do not pass expert comments based on what you really do not know. Worst, do not form opinions about the entire city based on a single locality or place or neighbourhood. Some random place in Aundh might be really hep and crowded with youngsters all over to have a drink. But that does not mean that the entire youth in Pune hangs out only at a bar. There are more and more girls who wear shorts on the street, that does not mean every girl in Pune wears skimpy clothes and roams around at night. There are number of plush residential schemes coming up in the far corners, that does not mean Undri or Shirwal is the only place in Pune worth staying. Yes, people reading and writing Marathi is getting dangerously low day by day, but that does not mean that English IS the first language of this city.

On the other hand side, I also know people, who refuse to accept this expanding city for what it is, are angry about the migrant flow, are pretty puritans in everything they do, and are generally stuck in history, without a real significant thought. They also pass statements like "Real Punekars are always good. The moment these migrants landed here, they destroyed the city."

Given above were examples of inferences people draw. They all probably fail to understand, that no single aspect is a right mirror for an entire city. City always has many moods, many faces, many stories to tell, and many lives at the same time. Moreover, as time passes, social influences change, moulds of societies change, cities change. Infrastructure-wise and also soul-wise. It is fun to see them changing, and it is fun to learn the new facets of city. Yes, it is painful when you see the old beloved things gone, but the new things are also as important to a city's picture as the old one. But all this requires an open mind, and a desire to read a city like a book.
Contrary to my title, there is perhaps no 'real' Pune. If you believe, everything is real, if you do not, it is not. Keeping the mind open is the key perhaps to 'know' the city. I have been actively trying to do that for past several years, and I perceive the changes in my city. Do you?

Market's new commodity: MAN

 

I went to an early morning movie screening today. Gunday was the option we arrived at after much discussion, which indeed proved to be quite tolerable. It was something completely different that caught my fancy and occupied my thoughts.It was a definite gesture of recognizing the female audience, rather the female gaze.
Media, specifically Popular cinema has been accused of commodifying women for decades. It might be those saree clung heroines of yesteryear or the mini-wearing heroines of today. Even Hollywood did not escape from it, with the quintessential bond girl and other supermodels. Commodifying has not yet stopped,  and will not as well, though there has been a subtle addition to it. The Ad-world embraced this addition some time ago, the popular cinema to a limited extent. That addition is of commodifying the man.

Gunday has ample amount of skin-show by both the male protagonists. Their sculpted bodies are highlighted well throughout, and fight sequences shot in slow motion display their toned muscles. Now Gunday is of course not the first picture where the hero's sex appeal is tapped. Salman khan has been going topless in almost all his films. This case is different though. Here, their physical appearances are as much crucial to movie's reception as the screenplay. The deafening applause and the spontaneous whistles by the entire female audience only confirms this fact.  

Looking back at the female commodification over the years, a funny fact can be observed. It is always assumed that the commodified female is always to satisfy the male gaze. It is however sold as a commodity to both genders. The men might be lusting after the sex appeal or enjoying this mythical image of that woman of their dreams. The women audience though was also affected though. It affected them in form of body image. It told them that this was the ideal way to be, in case they want to be desirable in the male eye. It coaxed them to alter their lifestyles. It put them under lot of pressure.
If you say, that this happened only with the commodified image of that slim and fair maiden, think once more. Not just the heroine, the vamp and the mother were also commodified. The mediated image of mother portrayed the ideal homemaker and a super woman. More than men, women consumed this image, and this evidently adds to more stress and syndromes.
So contrary to the obvious thought, Women as a commodity were intended to be consumed as much by women as by men.  

The commodity of an ideal father or brother was already available. Commodifying man in purely physical format, as 'male' exists subtly though. The super-desirable Milind Soman of 'Made in India', or the tight butted John Abraham of Dostana, are the males intended to be and were presented as physical commodities.The trend is not new, just that it is very slow and s rarely seen in obvious way.

Gunday has made sure though that their female audiences get an image to consume. The movie unabashedly puts the commodified 'male' in the market. This may be attributed to the openness about female sexuality, though I am doubtful whether any female audience actively gives it so much of a thought. But the new entry in market can not be ignored, and I feel it is here to stay. To be shown and accepted more and more in upcoming years.

And who knows, the feminists for once might be happy with popular cinema. Ultimately, why should boys have all the fun? :D

So no one told you that was gonna be this way..

AND we complete two years of marriage today! A big hurrah!

I know I am the nth person to have said this, but marriage does affect you in all sort of unimaginable ways. So no inventions or new-found truth here, when I say that it did affect me as well. This is to be read as an account of  experience, confessions, and may be, curiosity.  

Marriage has been a word having multiple connotative-denotative attached meanings. In today's age of exploring new options, openness in relationships, globalized/westernized outlook towards social institutions, and ever-changing world around us, getting into the matrimonial bond is an option most of us take, (number of those who stay away from matrimony is still very less) without the slightest idea of what future holds.

We too did. In spite of courting for almost four years before we got married, it was an adventure we were taking on. It does not matter whether you know the person for  four years or two weeks. Staying together for 24/7 is a different ballgame. For one, we were happy that were finally getting to stay together putting all those long distance years and expensive phone calls to end! But it was also a process of getting to know the real us, appreciating the smaller gestures, tolerating each other at times, completely disliking something at times, discussing, making up, and being wiser by the day.

We did change cities after first year of marriage. The first year was spent in Chennai, along with Paa. We adjusted to each other's continuous presence, and loved it. We explored the city of Chennai, with it's food joints, roads, beaches, small trips, speaking Tamil  and filter coffee. Dealing with a new city together must have strengthened our bond further. Even though we have now moved back to Pune for good, life in Chennai is associated with the very first year of our marriage, and hence, Chennai will always have a very special place in my mind in spite of the horrendous roads, climate and mosquitos! Mind it !

Moving back to Pune sounded a cake walk, not exactly did it prove to be. We moved back to the family home, started our respective careers and a joint life in Pune. And even though both of us have been Punekars, it took us sometime to figure out the way in sudden burst of activities, social life, family time, and adjusting again to our own city. Staying in a same city, after a gap of few years, in a different house, with a different family is an experience worth taking! 

As every marriage, we too have had our shares of highs and lows in these two years. But marriage changed us upside down. It changed our reactions, our thought patterns, our behaviour, our expectations, our emotional graphs, our maturity and our sense of responsibility. Everything in this may not have been changed for better. But I am happy with the changes. I know life is ever changing. Nothing will remain the same as it was some time ago. And I have learned to accept the changes, both positive and negative. The changes may be expected or completely unexpected, but I am learning to welcome them in equal zeal.

Now is the exact moment that we entered matrimony two years ago, at around 10 am. It has been a crazy ride so far. Expecting many more such great moments, experiencing them together, learning from them, and growing up, as one pair of crazy, awesome and wise people! 

Children. why?

I have a fair idea that questions like this are met with immense surprise, or shock or plain being non-plus. I have been experiencing this for some time, when I express my thoughts about having my own kids. Now that I am not newly married anymore, I am aware that this question is going to come to me from all directions and eat my mind out of peace. If not immediately, in few months. I have already been asked about this by some senior females( as expected) and this is going to be more in coming years. I have not expressed this idea to the senior members, but I some time discuss this with people my age, and most of them also have no idea what answer they should give. 

My question is "why do you want to have children?'

Most of them do not understand the question. After grasping it, many say, 'because you DO have children. Right? Everybody, who can, DOES have children." (which is not an answer, as much as a logical fallacy, still.) Some say, "Because I am married now" (which also has no direct connection with wanting to have children. You CAN have a child even without getting married, if your wish is so strong. Not socially acceptable though.) Some tell me that they love playing with children, and that is why they go the kid-route. OK  acceptable. (but you can always play with the nephews and nieces and neighbor's kids for  that matter, if it is just about playing.) A close friend of mine,a biologist, tells me that she wants them because a) she loves being with kids and b) that is the most natural human tendency. To reproduce. OK, much better than the previous answers. 

Still, I have not found a satisfactory answer to why does one want to have kids? Speaking for myself, I do not feel even a slightest need of having kids. (That has been my feeling for past few years, might change later though. Let us talk while it lasts.) I do not like being around kids, I do not like playing with them, I do not feel that I have any sort of bond with them ( well, some people do. I have seen how almost magical they are when they are with him or her.). To clarify, I am not scared of the whole child-bearing and delivery process, and even if I were, I could have adopted a kid. I do not feel like doing that either. 

Is it unnatural to feel that way? Is it going against the most natural instinct of reproduction? Or does that show lack of love or compassion? Or has it got something to do with age and wisdom? I have classmates, who are now mothers of 2 or 3 year olds. I also have a few friends, who got married by 29-30, and immediately had kids, coz of the biological clock ticking away. Was the need to have own children so overpowering, that they did not want to spend time on evolving the marriage? Or they als had kids, because, you know, everybody does.

In all this, My mother gave me a very good reason to have kids. She told me to think of having kids, as you then have something to look forward to for the rest of your life. As the marriage becomes older and more mature, and you sort of fall into routine, kids can be those who keep you engaged, keep you hopeful about life. Every day with kids, is a new day full of learning and developing yourself. I can largely buy this argument.And I will definitely think about this. 

Meanwhile, I would also like to know the answer to my question from you guys.The one with kids, please tell me why did you have them. The one without, tell me if you are planning to have them and why. Diverse opinions always help in forming an idea. And if at all, you share the same feeling like me, please tell me that as well. It's quite reassuring to know that you have a fellow sailing in the same boat :)  

p.s. we are not planning kids right away, neither are we deciding or debating on that. I have shared it as my thought. Respect it as it is. :D

A better you via getting physical

And I mean physical activity. As in exercise. As in sweating it out in socially acceptable way, which could be performed in open! A gym or a sport or any aerobic activity.  I have been experiencing this since past few days, and ever since I watched Bhaag Milkha Bhaag, I have made my mind doubly up.

Sweating it out has always been a form of what they call as sublimation in psychology. Expressing your emotions in a better suited form. Most of us do not know this term but we are using it very very often. Feel demotivated and frustrated? Have troubles in coping up with situation and feeling low? Have rage and thinking of hitting somebody? Go and sweat it out. The feelings will vanish on their own. Run a good kilometer or two. Go gymming and life heavy weights. Basically, express that rage within through a rigorous, strenuous physical exercise. Your emotions are channelized better, leaving you and the other person unharmed. Plus, it is good to have a few calories burned, isn't it? :)

So this is the normal way many of us use. School boys use it, frustrated lovers should use it. I for one, have somehow started using this technique, and it is working wonders. I have not been working for sometime now, following a very stressful period in my life. First thing I did, was resorting to exercise. I started gymming extra-regularly. I go everyday without fail, and exercise for an hour at least. Not that I did not go before, but it was more perfunctory, I would say. Just coz I had paid the membership fees, and the husband is a major gym freak, I would accompany, mostly willingly. My goal was fitness, and nothing else. I would casually work out for 35 minutes, and then off I went. Not any more.

I made my mind and took to gymming with a determination. To be unaffected from the stress. It took some nagging from Husband initially, but now work out for more than an hour, and that too happily. What is better, I keep on thinking of new workouts to follow and keep inventing them. If I always cycled/ran on treadmill for the cardio, I now substitute it with various funky alternatives. I use spin-bike, I run on real jogging track and not treadmill, I even use the combination of age old skipping rope and Surya Namaskars! And what is best, my stamina has increased. I sense it. I am not panting after long run or skipping.
Better than the best, I have managed to keep stress at bay. It is like all the negative emotions are taken out of my body through the sweats. And, I have set a new target for myself. That is of running a 10K in pune marathon this year! Hurrah! :)

Well, Farhan Akhtar has also inspired me. I watched Bhaag Milkha, and I was stunned by his physique. Could not stop praising it, like everybody else. It could have been a result of steroids like what some so called insiders are suggesting.  But oh boy the body! It takes great amount of determination and perseverance to do that merely for a role. He has done at least nine sprints in that movie, and it is not easy. he has looked every bit of a real life sprinter, which must be a result of tremendously vigorous physical activity.  It is not a puffed body, it is lean and taut, like a runner's. If a 38 year old man, who has no connection with the word exercise, can do it, so can I or anybody like me at the age of 26. . It has made my target even firmer.It additionally helps that I simply love Farhan the artist, and hence it is easier to idolize him :D

Last, but not the least, exercise is like  a way of connecting with yourself. You consciously think of your body as a tool. A tool to sculpt your inside. You learn to give it all. You learn to cope with injuries, with failures too, if you are playing a sport. You also learn to appreciate the very existence of a good healthy body. Your spirit gets higher. Riddance from the negativity, busting the stress, looking inside you, focusing better, experiencing the calm, and a great figure are attractive add ons, if you want!

Apathy,Activism,Apoliticalness and Aam Adami

It has been more than a decade now that Congress has been glorifying the Aam Adami. In the mean time, old leaders died, new ones came to power, political map of country became more and more volatile, Modi alarmingly emerged as a brand, First woman president of India retired, Laden was killed, country's growth rate dwindled down, and Rahul Gandhi finally got rid of his hypnotic smile. And still, Aam adami is fairly where he was. In terms of inflation, natural calamities, terrorist attacks, craze of western countries, and most importantly apathy, and a-politicalness.

Let me elaborate. Say, Roads are frequently dug in your area. Mandir in the neighborhood puts on loudspeakers till much later than 10 pm.  Your rightful water supply was diverted to some other colony. The rickshaw/taxi driver frequently refuses to take you where you want to go. Hawaldar caught you and holding you up because you jumped the lights. There is a friend of you who is experiencing sexual harassment at her office. In short, things are not exactly looking very bright. Now tell me, what are your normal responses to this? 

You will look for another taxi/rick, you will probably give that 50 rs bill to hawaldar so that he does not waste your time, you will close the window and keep cursing the temple,  you will ask your friend to ignore/settle matter, and you will definitely curse the 'sarkaar' and the 'system' for the water diversion and road digging.

Here comes the apathy I talk about. apathy,defined by wikipedia, is is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. Nothing that happens, on varying scale, that causes trouble, pushes you towards action. It is most surprising, that we take no action, even to issues that are bothering us, let alone others. Asking the friend to settle the matter, is not as much of an apathy, as closing the window and taking another auto is. This sort of apathetic action intrigues me most, where no effort is directed towards gaining what is rightfully ours. 

Same goes with  cursing the sarkaar and the system. Digging the roads or diverting the water supply is not a whim of government, it can not be. There are plans and reasons behind digging the roads, say for pipe gas or water pipeline. If water is diverted, there is a reason needed to be given before that diversion takes place. How much ever we like to believe, governance is not a whimsical activity, where no rule abides. How many of us have bothered to stop when we find labor happily digging away, and ask the reason behind that digging? How many of us go to the zonal office and ask the reason behind? 

I am sure, probably only 1%. It is foolish to curse and blame system and sarkaar for petty issues like this, and not doing even 1 bit about it. IF it bothers us, by all means we have to go and ask for the reason/permission. But sadly, we prefer ignoring it, passing sideways, cursing them and generally adding up to our collective unhappiness. If at all somebody says, we push them down, saying "why get into those issues and that  politics? it is better to stay away."

That is sheer a-politicalness I am talking about. There is a big aversion to anything remotely political in nature. It is not 'non-political'. Non political guys do what they want to do, without believing in politics. A-political are us who just stay apathetic to politics, at the cost of our own convenience. We do not even care who  our corporator is and what has he done for us in last five years. Dynastic politics, religious terrorism and political insurgencies are just far far away, way out of scope. We stay away. 
If you feel like staying away, do that by all means. But then do not come and complain about how rotten the civic affairs are and how nothing can be done. Things can be done. remember.

Here comes another problem. The moment we say it can be done, and it is our right, comes in the activism. Just because I am conscious about my rights, and I do something, I do not become activist. Voicing my thought or even having thoughts, is not activism. Calling it activism is in fact an insult to the word. But the moment somebody like me starts a conversation about something as day- to-day as above mentioned situations, I immediately am shut up by friends/relatives, saying "hey, lets not discuss politics, just stay away from that".

Apathy and apoliticalness is not going to lead aam adami to any better world. If we want better world, we have to be at least conscious of what happens, why does it happen, what do we want and how can we do it. Else we become sheep and be hoarded. For the in-between, there is always an 'activisty' entertainment like liking FB comments and wearing Aam adami caps.